GB News Announces Educational Programming Lineup
Having already gobbled up the BBC’s market share on Conservative-socialising gammon, GB News is now launching an educational daytime TV slot to teach REAL topics to REAL children.
10am - Science with Ben Shapiro. Women’s biology expert Benjamin Shapiro will be educating you about the suspiciously dry birds and factually debunked bees. It’s okay parents, he won’t teach your kids anything inappropriate, he literally knows less than your 5 year olds.
11am - Double PE With the Millwall Football Squad. Kick Marxism out of football with the coaching of the Millwall first team. Learn how to tackle the weaker boys, call the bigger boys horrible slurs and find peace with midtable Championship mediocrity!
1pm - Lunch Hour, with Andrew Neil. No learning to be done here, just an hour long chat with the hardest interviewer on television. Ohhh he’s one hard interviewer is our Neil, an absolutely bullish attitude to calling out basic facts written in front of him before allowing his newspaper’s opinion columns to justify all the worst arguments put forward in said interviews.
2pm - Drama with Andrew Doyle . Learn the art of acting from the man who has dedicated his life to portraying fictional oppression, from ‘what if your dad was a news reporter’ to ‘what if your dad distanced himself from a version of your dad who was a news reporter’ to ‘what if your dad got his voice put inside a woman’.
Daniel Bennett
(From The Lemon Press Issue 48, Out Friday 18th June)
